Here We Go...

I’ve decided to start blogging, as I want to keep everyone informed on the details of our lives.  There have been so many changes recently, that it’s hard to keep up with!  While I want to keep everyone updated, this will also serve as my method for getting my thoughts and feelings out about everything that is happening. This past month has been whirlwind of activity as Michael had already moved to Texas and I finished school, packed our apartment, and visited with friends/family before the move.  I can’t say enough how grateful I am to all of our friends and family for the continued help and support.  Michael and I knew how much of a change it would be to move 10 ½ hours away from friends and family, but with recent news on Baby Boy, things got complicated faster than ever.

Three days before I headed down to Texas, I had an ultrasound.  As far as I knew, this was routine.  At my 19 week ultrasound (4 weeks before the move), the doctor told me that Baby Boy was far too wiggly for them to get the pictures of his heart that they needed.  Every time they zoomed in on his heart to get a picture, he squirmed away.  What a stinker!  At my 23 week ultrasound (3 days before the move), they had me come in specifically to get those pictures of his heart that they hadn’t been able to get.  The ultrasound technician was so sweet that she even gave me a hug when the ultrasound was over!  She was so nice during the whole ultrasound and we chatted about the move to Texas, I didn’t even think twice about that hug. I had an appointment with my doctor, immediately following the ultrasound, to find out that Baby Boy’s heart wasn’t growing as it should.  She explained to me that the left side of his heart was much smaller than the right and I would need to get a fetal echo done.  My doctor set me up with a specialist for the next day, which was great since I was moving in 3 days.  The specialist confirmed the report that Baby Boy’s heart was not growing properly.  He diagnosed Baby Boy with HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome).  This means that the left side of Baby Boy’s heart is too small and will most likely stop growing, while the right side of his heart and the rest of his body continue to develop.  He also discovered that Baby Boy is missing his aortic valve and his aortic arch is too small.

Being that I was about to move to Texas in 2 days made this news even harder to swallow!  The only things that I imagined to go wrong in my pregnancy was that my blood pressure might spike or I could get gestational diabetes, but I never imagined my little babe having a serious heart condition!  Having to realign my dreams of how and when we’ll be taking Baby Boy home from the hospital has been tough.  Shifting the focus from delivering a healthy baby that I can cradle in my arms, to the possibility of him being taken away immediately, has been hard to wrap my mind around.  The thought of getting his nursery set up and coming home from the hospital without him breaks my heart.  I already love Baby Boy so much and I know that love will increase more than I can imagine when he is born, so it kills me to know that he will have pain as soon as he enters this world. 

After the realization of that awful news, I was surrounded by family and friends.  I had people calling, texting, and visiting to make sure I was ok.  Without Michael around, it was no secret that I was lonely, but now I was also devastated.  I felt so emotionally, physically, and mentally drained from the week’s events that moving seemed to completely overwhelm me.  Friends stepped up to the plate and finished packing boxes for me. More friends and family came the next night to load the moving truck and clean my apartment for me.  Another couple drove me down with all of our stuff to Texas just to turn around and go home the next day!  I have felt so loved and taken care of in the past couple of days!

The big moving day has come and gone.  It’s now the first day that I am an official Texas resident.  While I love nothing more than being with my husband, it hit me loud and clear that I am not surrounded by people who know us like those in Omaha.  We went to a new church in the morning.  This is something we had talked about for months.  We had planned on getting connected right away and chatting about it seemed so easy!  While sitting in the church service, it took one worship song for me to melt down and know that I’m an outsider here.  I cried during that song feeling a sense of loneliness that I haven’t felt before. Our church family was a huge part of our lives and it was a sinking feeling to not have that sense of community here in Texas.   I’ve lived in the same city my entire life and now I’m starting over with more emotional baggage than I’ve ever felt before.  We happened to come on their “Celebration Sunday”, where they baptized 4 people.  Each person shared their testimony, but it wasn’t until the last person that I started to lose it again.  She shared 2 Corinthians 12:9, which says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  I know that God can do miracles and He can lift me up when I feel helpless.  That knowledge has been in my head for many years, but to feel the need for Christ’s power and grace in your life is overwhelming.  Truly trusting and believing is a scary thought when it seems as though your world is crashing down. 

We went to lunch and we got a little piece of “home”, as we met up with the youth group from our church in Omaha.  They had come down on the same day for their summer mission trip.  I hugged one of the leaders who is a dear friend of mine and started to cry.  She gave me several hugs and said that she had been praying and would continue to do so.  After that, we went to a connection event at our new church.  The connection event made me realize even more how much I needed a new community to surround us during this time of trials and emotional distress.  I asked Michael to speak with the pastor after the event and explain our situation and our desire to so badly be connected with other believers.  Through tears, we told our story about the move, the new job, and the baby.  He listened, comforted, and prayed for our situation.  He prayed for Baby Boy and for God to do a miracle on his heart.  He gave us a few outlets to get connected and said he’ll be in touch. 

They have a “recovery group” that meets every Thursday night.  It is for those struggling with personal sin, sin that has been put on them by others, or the sin of the fallen world in which we live.  He said it would be great for me to meet other women who are struggling with other issues, like me.  It is for those dealing with issues that are beyond our control, which are a direct result of our fallen world.  My plan is to go on Thursday night, although the thought of driving by myself scares me, not to mention putting myself out there to meet others by myself! 

As I finish this post, I look up to see our apartment stacked with boxes.  I’ll post pictures of our new place as soon as the boxes start to disappear.  I’m utterly exhausted—mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Thank you for reading my thoughts.  I’ll keep posting updates and I ask that you pray that I can get some much needed sleep!  My head is constantly going full speed ahead and I know a full night’s rest, without waking up, will do me much good!  I know this new journey will be different from what we had planned, but God had a plan for this move long before my head started planning!  I need to trust in God’s plan and not my own, for I know that He works things out for His glory.

-Carrie