Raw Truth

It has now been a little over a month since we found out the news on our little bean.  During this past month, I've been flooded with overwhelming doctor’s visits loaded with information on his condition, I've traveled back and forth from Nebraska, all the while moving down to Texas, and I've tried to adjust to the fact that I no longer live in a place of security and comfort.  In the midst of everything that has happened over the past month, I've completely shut out the one source of truth from my life because it’s been too painful to face God.  In fact, with everything that has been going on, it’s been pretty easy to turn away from my daily routine of reading my Bible.  I've had so much going on, it’s been a whole lot easier to do fun things rather than actually think about this new reality.  It’s hard to read my Bible and pray when it’s through tears of pain.  The cold and hard question of “Why?” keeps resurfacing.  I can’t make it through a church service without tears because I’m hearing God’s truths, but they seem so distant.

I've started reading the book, “One Thousand Gifts”, given to me by my Aunt.  I think the author of this book puts words to my feelings much better than I am able to get out:

“No, God, we won’t take what You give. No, God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess and I didn't sign up for this and You really thought I’d go for this? No, God, this is ugly and this is a mess and can’t You get anything right and just haul all this pain out of here and I’ll take it from here, thanks.” (One Thousand Gifts, pg. 14) 

There’s some true honesty.  It’s so easy to feel this way when life deals a hand that I feel like I just can’t handle.  Why did God bless us with this baby…a baby that I've longed to meet for such a long time…a beautiful piece of myself and my husband…only to give this precious child a painful entry into this world?  Not only a painful entry, but a life filled with struggles and trials that I’ll never know what he’s truly going through.

When I think about the words from the book, there are parts that truly express my grief and pain, but would I really take it from here?  No.  No, I wouldn't.  Even though I have no idea why God would move us to a new place with a new job that is more encompassing that I ever imagined and to top it all off, our sweet baby who is due in less than 3 short months will be born with a heart defect.  Why would God place all of this on us all at the same time?  As Ann writes, “There’s a reason I am not writing the story and God is.  He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means” (pg. 21). 

This week, I've decided to face God again.  I’m not going to lie, it’s been painful and tear filled.  His truths have been ingrained in me, but it hurts to read them during a trial.  I've come back to 2 Corinthians. 

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”  2 Corinthians 4:17

I read this and look at those two words: light and momentary.  Really?  This doesn't feel light or momentary!  This feels heavy and sentencing!  But, seen from the perspective of eternity, the things that Michael and I are currently faced with ARE light and momentary.  Yes, Baby Boy will deal with this condition his whole life, but its life that we get to experience with him!  I don’t know how long his life will be.  I don’t know what God’s plans are when he’s born.  I don’t know if he’ll beat all the medical odds and live a long, happy life where he gets to see our end, rather than the reverse.  I don’t know God’s plans.  What I do know is that this plan that’s unfolding before us is for achieving eternal glory. 

I've realized a few things during the whirlwind of this past month.  One: if we had stayed in Omaha, it would have been much easier to go to others in our lives to talk out our pain and anger.  Being in a foreign place has made us rely more on each other.  Yes, there are cellphones and Skype available, but that’s not what has happened.  Two: we still hardly know anyone in this city!  With that being said, I have a lot of free time to read my Bible and really think about what’s happening.  It’s taken some time to get to a place where I’m ready to face it, but I’m finally there.  Three: does God give us more than we can handle?  Yes!  I feel like this is way more than I can handle!  But, it’s so I eventually come running back to Him. I can’t handle this situation on my own, nor can Michael.  We need to pray for God’s all-surpassing power.  I don’t want to think about upcoming surgeries, medical bills, long days in the ICU, etc.  It’s all so overwhelming.  But, God has a plan.  I need to start relying on that truth.  God’s plan is better than mine, even when it feels like it isn't. 

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18

This whole experience is temporary.  The wait to meet our baby boy will soon be over when he enters this world.  Then, the long days and nights in the hospital will be temporary.  Does it feel that way now? No, but someday it will.  Fixing my eyes on the temporary will cause me to lose heart.  Fixing my eyes on the unseen, which is no less real for being invisible, are eternal and imperishable.  This is where I need to fix my eyes. 

-Carrie