A Full Year

Needless to say, this has been one busy year! January started off with finding out the news of being pregnant with our little peanut. We were beyond thrilled! We always said that we wanted to wait 5 years before starting our family and after celebrating our 5-year anniversary in December, I'd say we accomplished that goal! From February through April, it was a pretty standard year. I was doing my thing, working as a preschool teacher. I woke up every morning completely miserable, throwing up because of my pregnancy and heading into work nauseous. I rarely took sick days in my 6 years of working at my job and I think I used the more sick days during those few months than I did in all 6 years! My little babe was already striving for Momma's full attention!

The end of April is when things started to take off for 2013. Michael got a call that he had three more tests to complete as part of the final interview process and he would start his new job...in 2 weeks! We traveled down to Texas for a brief stay. Michael passed all of the tests, I found us an apartment to live in and we headed back to Nebraska all within 3 days. Michael spent 5 days at home and then he was off. During those 5 days at home, Michael finished his last days at his current job and we had our 19-week ultrasound letting us know that we were having a BOY! That ultrasound also revealed that they couldn't see his heart adequately, so we needed to come back in 4 weeks for an ultrasound of his heart. There was nothing that ever sparked concern for us, we just figured our little man was much too wiggly for them to get a good look at his heart. Looking back, I wonder, did they see someone wrong? I'll never know. We celebrated the news of our little boy, had a last minute farewell pretty for Michael, and then he was off! He left for Texas and he stayed with some very gracious friends for 4 weeks until I moved down and we moved into our apartment together.

May was the start of my whirlwind. With Michael gone, that left me to pack up everything in our apartment, finish my school year and say some very hard goodbyes to coworkers and preschool families alike. May 29 was the day of my ultrasound to look at our little guy's heart. My mom joined me for the ultrasound because I figured it's something that she doesn't get to do often, if ever, since it's typically a husband job. :) The ultrasound took about 30+ minutes, with me doing toe touches in the middle to get Sy to change position.  The tech gave me a hug when the ultrasound was finished and I thought she was just super sweet. My mom left for a band concert?...and I went to visit with my doctor. After 45 minutes of waiting in the room, she came in and started to explain the diagnosis. Through subtle tears, I was trying to comprehend what she was telling me. What's wrong with his heart? Are you sure? What does this mean? I went out to the hallway and crumbled into tears. I called my mom and sobbed. She tried to understand my words through my broken tears.  Michael landed on his lunch break and I tried my best to explain what I had just heard and he cautiously said, we don't know anything yet. Maybe they didn't see something correctly.

May 30 (two days before the move): I saw a specialist and he confirmed that Josiah had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Sigh. My energy was gone. I still had things to pack! My friends stepped up and packed the rest of our apartment. The specialist connected me to Dallas Children's Medical Center and I spoke with a lovely woman named Cindy, who was and is one of the sweetest woman I've ever met! She made an appointment for me to come in on June 12 for another fetal echo and she also connected me to a high risk OB.

May 31 (one day before the move): I spent one more day enjoying my family and trying to process the news. We got our things packed into the trailer that night, with the help of many friends and family, and I spent the night at my parents house.

June: June 1 was the big move. Our wonderful friends drove me down to Texas with all of our stuff and I fell into Michael's arms the moment I saw him. What a 3 days that I had had! June 12 was my echo, meeting with the social worker, financial counselor, tour of the ICU, and meeting with the cardiologist who explained everything in detail. I was thankful for The Lord prompting my mom to be at my side that day. She and my sister traveled down for that day and little did I know how much I needed them! I went back to Nebraska with them for 3 more baby showers and some final goodbyes.

July: Well, I guess it's official. I live I'm Texas now. Sigh. Mid-July, I finally came around to getting the nursery ready. It took me about 2 months to grieve the news and get myself to the point where I could see a future with this baby who I was carrying. I finally started in on nursery projects when my water broke on July 23! No! I'm only 31 weeks pregnant! I went to the hospital, where they admitted me and I stayed until my little peanut arrived. The stay was short lived because Josiah had plans of his own and came early.

August 3: Josiah was born! I got to hold him for maybe a minute when he was born and that was the most precious minute of my life. He was swiftly taken away and they started poking and injecting things into his tiny body to ensure he lived. I watched through tears as they did their initial things before whisking him away to the NICU. Michael stayed by my side. We both got a short nap until they brought me back to my room and got Josiah ready for transfer. Michael left on the ambulance with Josiah and I stayed behind. I'm pretty sure I tried to sleep, but as I was just beginning to learn, a good sleep does not come at the hospital! Michael picked me up in the afternoon and brought me over to Children's to see our baby. I held him for about 20 minutes. Our nurse, Curtis, kept shaking Josiah's foot and hand, saying he was getting "too comfy". Little did I know that that meant he kept not breathing. I handed him back. They put him back in his box and I looked at him until I went back to the hospital for the night.

August 4: I was discharged from the hospital and I spent every waking hour at Children's with my little man.

August 7: Josiah had his first surgery. It was not planned for that day, but he took a turn for the worse the night before, so they took him away. I held him once more and Michael got there just in time to hold him, as well. The surgery was successful and he came back with more tubes and wires than I could have ever imagined! It was awful seeing him like that. With all of my new mommy emotions, plus feeling the weight of all of this, it was too much!

The rest of August went pretty smoothly until August 27, when one of Josiah's lines got mysteriously pulled and we didn't know if we would ever get to take our little boy home. He was the sickest that I had ever seen him and the 2 days following were horrible. They placed a stint on August 28 and our little guy turned around.  September was all preparation for his big operation, as he just needed to get to full term and gain weight. Those were some of the best weeks we spent at the hospital! He was IV free, he breathed regularly on his own and I could hold him as much as I wanted!

September 24: Josiah's due date and Norwood operation. This was the hardest day of my entire life. Signing those papers and handing him off for this operation was miserable. His sweet little head was soaked in my tears as I handed him off to the anesthesiologist. It was that morning that I gave him to The Lord and gave away control.  His surgery was a success and it took about 3 weeks in the ICU to recover.

October 29: Home! Josiah is discharged for the hospital and we headed home!

November and December: Home is filled with days of snuggles and kisses to make up for lost time! We meet with therapists and go to clinic appointments and we rarely have a day free of appointments. There are times that I sit with Josiah in my arms and cry as I think of how special he is to me, how much he has gone through and how much he still has ahead of him.  Tears of fear, unknown, love...  It got to be about mid-December when I came out of this blur of a reality that we've been living. We really do live in Texas now. We really do live far away from family and all of our friends. I have these two boys that are my whole world and not many people get to experience them with me because everyone's so far away.

Like I said, it's been a full year! In the midst of this year there have been hardships. There have been decisions and days that have not been my favorite. There have been tough calls and tears. However, there has also been joy. There has been peace in the unknown. God has had control over this year.  He has control over every year. He knew that Texas was the best place for us, even if I didn't want to believe it. He knew this place...this place that is so foreign...so far from "home"...so far from everyone we love...this place would grant us life with our little boy. A life to be cherished.  A life where everyday is a miracle.

Tomorrow is the start of a new year.  I know that 2014 holds tears and fear of what's to come, but it also holds joy. Michael will graduate and start his job--one that he's been waiting years to start. Josiah will have another surgery, but that means that he'll be one step closer to living a better life. And I will continue to find my place in this new life that we are living. My place as wife, mom, nurse, cook, maid...

This was a full year, but a year that I wouldn't trade for anything because this is the year that I became a mom.