Feeling Motherhood

It’s been a while since I’ve written blog post about everything that we have going on now a days.  Since the minute our sweet little Josiah Michael was born, our lives have become even more of a whirlwind than they had been!  There have been so many emotions: fear, joy, anxiety, excitement…  I think that the one emotion I didn’t expect to feel was the lack of being a mom.  Being a mom is something that you just feel—it’s unexplainable.  For me, I had anticipated the day that I would have my little bundle and look at him with joy and peace. To sit with your baby and look with amazement that this little person was sown together inside of you and marvel at the complexity of everything that took place.  It took me about 5 weeks to get to this place of feeling like a “mother”. 

The other day, one of the ladies from the hospital asked me if their team had done a good job of preparing us for life in the ICU.  I looked at her and told her that that question was hard to answer.  I explained that the tour they gave and the information they shared was good, but it feels as though the emotion behind everything is impossible to convey.  Having never experienced motherhood before our little peanut arrived, all of the feelings of being a new mom surfaced, as well as the overwhelming emotions that I experienced of having him taken from me within the first minute he was born.  I went through painful labor to see my baby for less than a minute and have him be whisked away by the NICU team standing beside the bed.  I felt like Michael and I became a family of 3 for a split second and went back to being just “us” again.  Seeing your baby connected to wires and machines is something that no one can prepare you for. Being a mom meant that I had a little person who relied solely on me.  I gave him nutrition, I changed his diapers, and I rocked him and soothed him when he was upset.  None of this was true for the first few weeks of his life.  Although I provided nutrition, it is all very mechanical. I pump, put it in a labeled bag, hand it off to a nurse who then hands it down to the “milk bank”, where it is then mixed with formula for added calories and put into a syringe that gets pumped into his feeding tube.  Nothing about this promotes a loving and motherly picture.  I didn’t even change his diaper until he was a few days old because I didn’t know if I was “allowed” to.  When a nurse looked at me and asked if I wanted to change his diaper, I just wanted to weep because of course! Yes! All I want to do is to be a part of his life, even if it means changing his dirty diaper!  It wasn’t until he was about 6 weeks old that I got to help give him a real bath.  The nurses give baths in the early hours of the morning, when I’m at home sleeping.  One of the night nurses caught us before we left for the night and asked if we wanted to help with bath time before we went home.  I wanted to hug him!  There was nothing better than taking wires and stickers off of Josiah’s little body and watching him so peaceful in a tub of warm, soapy water.  I could actually see my baby under all of the wires that constantly occupy his small body.

I went for 3 ½ weeks without even holding my baby.  I touched his head, held his hand and sang him songs.  I asked the doctors every day for a solid week if I could hold him and the answer was always “no”.   I gave up.  I felt defeated.  Fortunately, there were two nurse practitioners who didn’t.  They still asked.  They knew it was important for both of us!  Finally, that day came and my sweet boy was placed in my arms again!  They told me that it was the day I had been waiting for-I would get to hold him!  I made sure that there was nothing I needed to do so when he was placed in my arms, I could just sit and enjoy.  That’s exactly what I did that day: sat and enjoyed him for 3 solid hours.  It was perfect!

There are so many privileges that get taken when your baby goes straight to the hospital. The nurses and doctors do a great job.  They are keeping my precious baby alive!  But…it’s so hard to stand by as a mom and feel as though everything has been taken from you.  To have to ask if you are allowed to hold your baby. To get to a place where it’s ok for you to change a diaper. 

Recently, a nurse asked if I minded if she changed his diaper.  Yes.  I’m sorry, but I do mind. I know that he gets terribly upset about diaper changes.  He needs his pacifier in between and I stop and give kisses mid change to calm him down.  His levels start getting out of whack during a diaper change and I know how to keep them steady.  This is your second day with him and you don’t know any of these things about him.  I have to let the night nurses change his diaper because I’m not here, so when I am here, this is MY job.  These were all of the things that raced through my mind.  A simple “No, I’ll do it please” seemed to suffice. 

Obviously, being a mom has finally sunk it and it is the best feeling in the whole world!  It’s also one of the hardest, as I’ve grown more and more attached to my precious boy and I will watch as he is taken away for this major surgery.  I’m not ready for him to be taken.  All I want is to be able to protect him and hold him and tell him that it will all be ok.  I must say again that I am SO grateful for the nurses and doctors who know what they are doing.  They are keeping my baby alive!  The nurses and doctors are doing what they know how to do and they are doing it well. I must also say that nothing about this situation is easy.  There is a balance to all of this and part of that balance is learning how to speak up on my part.  Knowing that it’s ok to ask questions and ask nurses if I can help.  Finding my voice in all of this has been hard, but crucial for my benefit and Josiah’s.