Roller Coasters

Ever since we’ve started this crazy journey, we’ve been told that life in the ICU is like a roller coaster.  For me, roller coasters are not my favorite.  They’re high in the air, they go up and down and they feel like they’ll never end.  I guess that’s a fair assessment of what life is like these days…except we stay on the third floor. J 

Michael and I tried our best to prepare ourselves for the big day when our sweet little peanut got whisked off for his huge surgery.  It’s safe to say that no amount of preparation could have gotten us ready for that day.  As I held him in my arms the morning of, I wept over him, wondering if I would get to hold my breathing baby again.  It finally came down to me crying out to the Lord and saying, “Alright God, you love him even more than me and your hands are even more capable than our surgeon’s…watch out for my baby today.”  It was about 9 hours later when I saw him again. He had a breathing tube down his throat; his chest was open with his tiny heart beating underneath and he was so swollen from surgery, but I breathed a sigh of relief because he made it! God brought him through!  Ahh..I let down.

The next couple of days following the surgery were great.  Josiah was doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing.  The doctors gave him a B+ for post-op behavior.  We were having fun at the top of that roller coaster!

But with all roller coasters, they have to go back down and that’s exactly what happened.  Josiah got his breathing tube out and things started to go haywire.  His left lung collapsed and I was talking to a team of doctors who I had never met before and more importantly, they had never met Josiah.  My mama bear came out and the need to protect my baby felt overwhelming.  Little things about my baby, which made a huge difference, were the things that I knew and had to speak up for.  There were days when I felt like it was me against the world.  I know that these doctors are capable and good at their jobs, but they didn’t know my baby.  I stayed at the hospital for 4 days straight, day and night.  By the end of the 4^th day, I looked at Michael and told him I needed to go home.  I need to get out of this place that has been draining me in every way possible.  Even though it was just a night’s sleep, it made all the difference in the world. The next morning, sedation medication caused our little peanut to stop breathing—3 times. Every two hours, his levels would drop and he needed resuscitation.  There is nothing worse than watching your child be resuscitated.  I’ve seen it far too many times in this ICU experience and it’s something that I pray we’ll never see again.  I pray that he thrives and his heart would keep up with him.

By the end of that week, his lung was inflated and working as it should.  Let me tell you, it felt like the longest week ever!  It’s crazy to look back at how the days have gone ever since Josiah was born.  There are days that feel like an eternity.  There is constant monitoring of his levels and fear of them dropping.  I don’t know if I should leave for the night since we’ve had such a scary day.  But it was all in a span of 14 hours.  A looong 14 hours!  Some of these days drag by and I wonder if we’ll ever go home and live a normal life?  All the same, I look back and realize that 2 months has flown by!  How did my baby get to be 2 months old already?  I feel like I’ve been cheated out of 2 months of his life because we’ve been stuck here.  I feel like we keep looking to getting him to the next step so he’s more stable and we miss out on his current cuteness.  Sometimes I think about how hard it was that he was a preemie because we spent so much longer in the hospital and he wasn’t even supposed to be here yet. He’s an 8 pound 2 month old and he should be an 8 pound 2 week old!

It’s hard to not look ahead when you’re staring at your baby’s open chest and hoping that it gets closed sooner than later.  It’s also hard not to look ahead when you’re not allowed to hold your baby.  I spent 5 of his 9 weeks of life just looking at him, holding his hand and giving him kisses.  I just waited for the day when I could pick him up and rock him.  All I wanted was the day to arrive that I could hold him!  I was looking ahead. 

Now that I can snuggle my baby, I want time to stop.  Hold on…let me catch up! Let me savor every moment that I get to hold him and feel his tiny 8 pound frame in my arms. Give me those 2 months back!

I feel like our roller coaster ride is going back up, but this time, we’re getting up to the platform where we exit this crazy ride.  That is my prayer!  Let’s not have one more dip before we leave the ride.  Josiah’s doing great and he’s making strides in the right direction!  Time to exit the roller coaster and figure out what life is like with a new baby…!