Some "Firsts"

It was a great week “back” in Omaha. However, I really didn’t feel like I left since I was only gone for about 12 days.  It felt more like a vacation than a move. When I moved at the beginning of June, I knew I’d be back in Omaha for a little over a week, so moving didn’t seem so hard.  Now I think of all of the friends and family that we’re leaving behind and how hard it was be to say goodbye!  I’ve felt very blessed over the past week by the baby showers and new items for our little guy.  We are well on our way to having a well-stocked baby. J 

I have also felt immensely blessed by everyone in Omaha who is praying for our little guy and our new life.  As great as it was to be back in Omaha this week, it was overwhelming all the same.  Rehashing the details of Baby Boy’s condition is hard and there are nights when it all hits me.  A worship song stuck out at church and as we sang the song, all I could think about was our little boy. This is Hillsong, “God is Able”:

“God is Able

He will never fail

He is almighty God

Greater than all we seek

Greater than all we ask

He has done great things

Lifted up, He defeated the grave

Raised to life, our God is able

In His name, we overcome

For the Lord, our God is able.”

Again, I must say how different worship songs have a completely new meaning to me as we are faced with this trying new circumstance. 

Now that I’m back in Dallas—for good this time—it has definitely sunk in that I’m here. :/  If that makes any sense?  It’s much more real knowing that we have no trips planned back “home” for at least a year.  With our baby boy and all of his upcoming medical conditions, there is no way that I’ll take him on a road trip!  You know what that means?  Ya’ll need to come down our way to visit! (You like that Texas accent!?) 

This week has already been a week of “firsts”.  Moving to a different state is truly the biggest first of them all!  I also shaved Michael’s head for the first time!  We have always counted on our tried and true friend, Leslie, for those things, so the baton was passed to me!  It turned out pretty good, although a little closer around the ears than it should have been.  His hair is so short that you can barely tell. :)  Let’s see, I had to wax my own eyebrows.  Although this wasn’t a true first, I haven’t done it since high school and I need some practice!  I drove in true Dallas traffic by MYSELF for the first time.  I made it to my doctor’s appointment by myself and then to the grocery store and back home.  I did wind up in the airport toll booth area at one point, which was not where I needed to be, but I got out of there and the lady at the tollbooth didn’t make me pay for the 2 minutes I was in there trying to figure my way back out!  I don’t know if I’ve ever used valet parking on my own, but I did that too.  The hospital has valet parking at most entrances, so instead of paying to park in the garage, I’ll pay someone else to park for me. :)  In Dallas heat and the fact that I had no idea where I needed to go, I’ll leave my car with someone who can park it for me!

I also met my new doctor for the first time.  I had my first appointment with my new OB/MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) doctor on Tuesday.  They started out with an ultrasound.  Baby Boy is looking good.  He weighs 2 lbs. 11 oz.  He is currently in the 75th percentile.  Whoa!  I’m glad that he’s growing big and strong for the plain and simple fact that a big baby does better in surgery when he’s born.  Keep growing baby boy! As always with ultrasounds, he didn’t cooperate the way they wanted him to.  Once again, he was in the wrong position to see his heart and they couldn’t get a profile picture of him for me because he was looking straight at us the whole time.  The little stinker is also in a breech position currently.  His little feet are dancing on my bladder most of the time.  Let’s pray that he turns in time for delivery!  They also saw some fluid in his kidney; however, they said that was normal.  Something that I really liked about this ultrasound is that the ultrasound tech did the initial view, and then an ultrasound doctor came in to explain things as she went over the ultrasound again.  In the past, my doctor would just go over the ultrasound in the appointment, rather than talking about the ultrasound while we were actually looking at the baby. 

After the ultrasound, I went into a consult room to meet my new doctor.  We chatted for about 30 minutes and she answered several of my questions about delivery, appointments, etc.  She explained that she wants the delivery to look as normal as possible with me having a normal delivery (not a C-section), hopefully laying him on my chest as soon as he’s born, and daddy being able to cut the cord.  All of this depends, of course, but that is what delivery of these babies typically looks like.  She said that his incubator will be set up next to my bed, so he’ll be getting checked over right next to me before they transport him to Children’s.  We discussed the possibility of getting an amniocentesis, which she said is completely up to me and Michael.  They didn’t see anything abnormal in his ultrasound and she said they wouldn’t even do the amnio until 38 weeks because there is risk of early delivery and water breaking.  She didn’t want to put me at that risk until the very end when Baby Boy is more stable.  I really liked my new doctor and I think she’ll be great!  I go back in two weeks for another appointment with my MFM and another Fetal Echo at Dallas Children’s. 

Hopefully some more firsts will come for Michael and I this weekend with meeting some new friends!  We are trying to get into a “home group” at church and we hope to meet with a group on Sunday.  Pray for good connections and that the group is meeting on Sunday for us to meet them!

-Carrie

The Appointments Begin

We had our first appointment with the pediatric cardiologist at the Dallas Children’s Hospital.  This appointment was very time consuming and emotionally draining, as we met with multiple people.  Thankfully, my mom and sister came down to Dallas for this appointment to help me digest all of the information that was given to us that day.  As much as Michael would love to be at these appointments with me, his work schedule just doesn’t allow it.  It breaks his heart to know that I’ll be going to the majority of these appointments on my own.

During the long appointment, we met with a social worker, a financial counselor, got the fetal echo done, met with the cardiologist, AND got a tour of the Cardiac ICU and the 8^th floor where our baby boy will be when he’s born.  Everyone was very nice and understanding.  It was clear that these people are great at what they do.  The social worker’s job is to make sure I’m set emotionally—line me up with support groups if I’m interested, make sure I’m not becoming overwhelmed by the financial burden that will soon be upon us, and be there for my overall well-being.  The financial counselor gave us an overview of the different programs that we can apply for to get financial assistance.  This is about the time that I first started to become completely overwhelmed.  We knew that having a baby would be expensive regardless, but having a baby who requires open heart surgeries and long hospital stays will be crazy expensive!

After these two visits, I was taken by the sonographer to get the fetal echo done.  Being at a different hospital halfway through my pregnancy has shown me two things.  One: The new women’s hospital in Omaha was beautiful!  I was definitely spoiled by that hospital and all of the amenities and brand new equipment that they possess.  Two:  Although this hospital does not feature the latest ultrasound equipment, this is definitely the right place for our baby boy since they specialize in his condition. 

The fetal echo confirmed that our little guy’s heart was still not growing as it should.  We met with a cardiologist after the echo to hear all that she had to say. Before our appointment, we had written down several questions that we wanted answered and this cardiologist answered almost all of them throughout her explanation of our little guy’s heart.  She was very thorough in her explanation and gave answers to questions that I wasn’t necessarily ready to hear.  She confirmed the diagnosis from the Omaha doctor that Baby Boy’s left ventricle is not big enough to pump blood to his body.  He will require 3 open heart surgeries.  The first surgery, The Norwood, will occur in his first week of life.  The second surgery, The Glenn, will occur between 4-6 months.  The third surgery, The Fontan, will occur between 2-4 years.  She also explained that these surgeries are “Palliative”, meaning there is no cure or fix for Baby Boy’s condition, but these surgeries are done to make life livable.  She continued on by explaining each surgery and what they entail.  She also told us that typically these kids are in the hospital for 4-6 weeks after the first surgery; however there is a range of 2 weeks to a year depending on possible complications. 

There are so many different factors and unknowns that go into this diagnosis.  We know that Baby Boy has a very severe heart condition and the steps that are in place to help him live his life.  We don’t know what condition he will be in when he is born.  We don’t know what his oxygen levels will be at and how soon after he’s born that he’ll need that first surgery.  I don’t know if I’ll even be able to hold him when he’s born.  This is the part that kills me the most.  I’m hoping for a minute or so before he’s whisked away, but even that is so painful for me.  Most know me as a “baby hog” because I love to snuggle with babies when they are new and cuddly!  I always envisioned having my own baby and being able to “hog” him as much as I want because he’s mine!  Hearing that I will have him taken from me the minute he is born pains me to no end!  The cardiologist told me that they won’t take him into surgery unless I get to hold him first and while I will cherish that time to no end; it still isn’t the same as a “regular” pregnancy.  I know that those few minutes I get with Baby Boy in my arms will be so precious.  Seeing the pain that my mom and mother-in-law have for me and Michael during this situation lets me see how immensely my love will grow for Baby Boy once he’s born.  I already want to keep him inside of me, where he’s safe and sound from the pains that he’ll experience when he’s born.  I can’t imagine the love and pain I’ll feel once I see his little face for the first time.

After the meeting with the cardiologist, we were taken on a tour of the hospital.  Being an avid “Grey’s Anatomy” watcher, I had always envisioned an ICU as one room with multiple babies lined up in incubators. J  Thankfully, that’s not the case in real life.  The ICU wing is beautifully done and each baby is in his or her private room.  There is a couch and recliner in each room for mom and dad to get some sleep and there’s also a TV in case we get bored.  There is a laundry room on the ICU floor for us to do laundry if we’re there a lot, as well as a bathroom and family room to eat in.  The nurse explained that living within the ICU is kind of like “dorm life” because there are no bathrooms in the private rooms because of health standards.  We must eat in the family room because food is not allowed in the baby’s room.  The 8^th floor is slightly different because this is the floor Baby Boy will be transferred to before he’s discharged from the hospital.  There is a bathroom in each room and we are allowed to eat in these rooms as well. 

This visit was a definite eye-opener.  Baby Boy’s condition is so serious and scary.  There are so many different aspects of his condition and different elements that go along with his condition.  It is very overwhelming, but I know that I need to take one day at a time.  While this visit made this week incredibly hard, there was happiness at the end of the week.  I came back to Omaha for the week for a few baby showers.  Even though this won’t be a normal homecoming, it’s still fun to celebrate this little life and start getting things for his arrival!  I can’t wait for the day that he comes home!

Thanks for the continued prayers.  In the midst of all of this, it’s so comforting to know that we have prayer warriors who are praying for Michael, Baby Boy, and I.  Please pray for my first appointment with my new OB.  I will have another ultrasound at this appointment.  Please pray that Baby Boy is developing normally (besides his heart condition) and that they don’t find any other areas of concern.  Pray for me and Michael that we can keep our lines of communication open throughout all of this.  Also, pray that we can make new friends in our area so we’re not going through all of this alone.

-Carrie

Big City Life

While getting acquainted to things, Michael has managed enough free time to go to different places with me!  I had resolved in my mind that I'd venture out the grocery store on my own, but Michael said he'd take me to the grocery store that I really wanted to go to!  Central Market is basically a Whole Foods--but on steroids!  I had gone to Central Market the last time I visited with our friend and knew how wonderful it was, but I also knew it was far away.  I was planning on simply going to Kroger, but hey, if he was willing to take me--let's go!  I was thankful that I'd been there before because unlike Omaha grocery stores, you weigh your own food and print a sticker for it.  When you get to the cashier, all he/she has to do is scan your already printed label for the food you weighed.  That could have been a disaster if I hadn't known that beforehand! We had a lot of produce!

The grocery store day was also my Birthday.  It was on a Sunday, so we started our morning by going to church.  Unlike last week where we knew NO ONE, we were greeted by a couple of people who we had met at recovery group and the newcomers event.  Ahh...how nice it is to be greeted by people who you've met!  Makes you feel as if you're starting to belong! We then went to Le Peep for a Birthday brunch.  We came home after church and I took a much needed nap, while Michael did studying for his test.  Then, we did a little grocery shopping and Michael got me a piece of cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory for my Birthday! YUM!  After coming home to eat some dinner, I just relaxed the rest of the night.  This Birthday was definitely different from other Birthdays where I'm surrounded by people I know, but it was still good in its own way.  I got presents in the mail all week long and I got to spend the day with my hubby.  Michael got me a new bead for my Pandora bracelet and I always love the thought he puts into each bead he's added to my bracelet!  This bead was a "dreamer" bead.  He told me that with all of the craziness we have going on in our life right now (the move, the job, the baby with all of his complications...), it would be good for me to be able to daydream about other things that aren't so complicated. :)  He's sweet!

Another perk of big city life is IKEA!  I went to IKEA with our friend, Mandy, and her kiddos today.  What a fun place! I got a few things for our new place to make storage a little easier in our tiny kitchen!  I could probably spend tons and tons of money in that store, but so far, I've made it out right on budget! 

Tomorrow is when my mom, sister, and niece come for a visit!  I can't wait to see them and show them around.  By showing them around, I basically mean our apartment because I tend to get lost if I venture out too far. :)  They're going to accompany me to my first appointment with the pediatric cardiologist.  I have such mixed emotions about this appointment.  On one hand, I'm anxious to hear what they have to say about our little guy and know their "game plan" for when he's born.  On the other hand, I'm so nervous about hearing what that "game plan" might entail and what our little guy will require when he's born.  Glad to have some support with me!  I'm also glad that I won't have to find the appointment on my own!  I looked at a map of the hospital campus today and that was slightly overwhelming, let alone the actual drive to the hospital!  Oh, life in the big city!

Getting Acquainted

Well, I did it!  I ventured out on my own!  For those of you who know me, this is not a small task for me.  I like my comfort zone and I currently have no comfort zone, which means that I need to venture out on my own to find it!  I went to church on Thursday night for their Recovery group.  While this sounds a little odd, it was actually a great experience.  Let me first start off by saying the drive to church almost reduced me to tears!  Texas drivers are NOT friendly!  My GPS kept telling me to get off the interstate to drive on frontage roads, then get back on the interstate. What?! So confusing!  Anyway, I made it to church, safe and sound (maybe just a little frazzled).

The Recovery group is a two-hour, every Thursday night deal.  They start off with a speaker who shares a sermon or someone who shares their own testimony. Let me just say, hearing this guy tell about his story made me realize that everyone has a story!  It's interesting to think about my own story.  I grew up in a wonderful, loving, Christian home and I've felt so blessed by that.  However, I always thought that my Christian background could never relate to someone who has "real" problems. Isn't it interesting how God has prepared my heart for such an event as my baby boy being born with a heart problem?  He has shaped me into the person I am today who grew up in the most loving home so I will be able to share that love with my innocent little babe.

As the night went on, we proceeded to worship.  Before they started singing, the worship leader shared about the stones they pass out.  In the Old Testament, God's people placed stones at spots in their journey where God had spoken to them or performed miracles.  They explained that there were two "types" of stones: The Genesis stone and the Exodus stone.  Where I'm currently at in my journey, I picked up the Genesis stone, which means that I'm just starting off on this journey and God is just starting to reveal himself to me through all of this.  This stone will serve as a reminder of God's grace through all of this and I know that I'll someday get to the point where I can pick up the Exodus stone (I'm at the end of this journey).  Being on my own for the evening, I so wanted to get through the night without tears! As I picked up my stone, I walked back to my seat crying and thinking/praying about the long journey ahead.  The stone will be placed in Baby Boy's room (once the boxes disappear), probably next to an angel that my good friend gave to me.  On the angel is Mark 9:23, "Everything is possible for those who believe."  We continued on with worship and it amazes me how worship songs that I've heard over and over again can gain a whole new meaning when life's circumstances change.  The lyrics that gained a new meaning were these:

Savior, he can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

He is mighty to save.

My God CAN save and perform miracles!  I feel like that's the fine line that I'm faced with these days.  I know God can perform a miracle on my baby boy's heart, but is that His will for Baby Boy's life?

When worship wrapped up, we split into small groups.  I was put in the newcomers group.  During this time, the leader explained all of the different recovery groups so we could make our choice as to where we would fit best.  She had us briefly share our names and a little about our stories.  When I go back to recovery next time, I'm sure I'll be placed in a group with other women dealing with pain, like myself.

Well, as the evening wrapped up and I headed home, I spotted a grocery story that was not a Wal-Mart, so I decided to stop and put a little food in our fridge!  Although Wal-Mart has good prices, I can only handle that place in small doses. :)  I made it home with no problems--my GPS decided to behave a little better this time! 

On Friday, I got another small sample of home. The junior high youth group was about to leave town, so a couple of the leaders came to get me for lunch.  I was able to enjoy these friends from far away and hear about their mission's trip.  As for the rest of my day, I've been relaxing, per doctor's orders!  My side is starting to feel better, so I know that a few days off of my feet is exactly what I needed!  I even got to enjoy playing my piano today!  We've had this piano for years, but we've never had it in our own place since we've always lived on the third floor.  My grandparents sent me a few piano books in the mail for my birthday, so I've enjoyed picking a few songs to play. :)  This weekend should be fun since it's my birthday on Sunday.  I never know what the Mr. has up his sleeve, but he always tries to make my birthday special for me!  I know we're going out to eat at Babe's on Saturday night with the wonderful family who housed Michael for 4 weeks while he was in Texas and I was in Nebraska.  This restaurant is down-home country cooking and it's delicious! Can't wait!

-Carrie

I Guess I Can't Do It All!

Well, I've learned that I can’t do everything by myself as a pregnant woman.  Between the packing, the move, and unpacking; my body has definitely told me to chill.  For about two weeks, I've had a pain in my side, which I associated with moving, but on Tuesday it was so unbearable that I could not move.  It hurt to move, breath, laugh, cry, cough, etc.!  When Michael got home, I had been reduced to tears many times during the day because of the pain and we decided that a visit to the hospital was the best option.  Thankfully, all of the major issues were ruled out pretty quickly—kidneys, gallbladder, and appendix.  Our baby boy was doing just fine, as well.  He got hooked up to the fetal heart monitor and had a good heart beat and in true form, moved off the heart monitor about 3 times.  He has proven to be a stinker when it comes to watching his heart!  He was moving and kicking the whole time we were at the hospital.  Feeling him move is probably the best feeling I know because it assures me that he is safe and doing fine. J  The doctor decided that I had pulled a muscle and I needed to take it easy.  She told me the boxes would be there when I was ready to go slow and steady, but in the meantime, I need to take a couple of days off from unpacking.  Well, it looks like our apartment will be a disaster for a little while longer, but I guess that’s OK. 

Another change in events came about on Tuesday as well. My mom and sister have decided to come down to Texas for my first visit with the Pediatric Cardiologist.  I can’t say enough how excited I am for them to be here and be with me through this initial visit!  With Michael’s work schedule as it is, I know he would love nothing more than to go to these visits with me, but unfortunately, that’s just not the case.  They have also told me that our disaster of an apartment would be remedied by their coming. J  It never hurts to have extra help unpacking!  As much as my type-A brain would love to have our place in perfect condition for their arrival; I know that’s just not going to happen.  I can’t do it all…

I’ve started reading 2 Corinthians this week and my passage today spoke to the fact that I cannot rely on myself. (How fitting, right?)  In Paul’s life, he endured many hardships, but he fully relied on God for his comfort and strength.  There are several verses that stuck out to me in this passage, so here are two of them:

          2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles.”

          2 Corinthians 1:9 “Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God.”

                                                 

Here We Go...

I’ve decided to start blogging, as I want to keep everyone informed on the details of our lives.  There have been so many changes recently, that it’s hard to keep up with!  While I want to keep everyone updated, this will also serve as my method for getting my thoughts and feelings out about everything that is happening. This past month has been whirlwind of activity as Michael had already moved to Texas and I finished school, packed our apartment, and visited with friends/family before the move.  I can’t say enough how grateful I am to all of our friends and family for the continued help and support.  Michael and I knew how much of a change it would be to move 10 ½ hours away from friends and family, but with recent news on Baby Boy, things got complicated faster than ever.

Three days before I headed down to Texas, I had an ultrasound.  As far as I knew, this was routine.  At my 19 week ultrasound (4 weeks before the move), the doctor told me that Baby Boy was far too wiggly for them to get the pictures of his heart that they needed.  Every time they zoomed in on his heart to get a picture, he squirmed away.  What a stinker!  At my 23 week ultrasound (3 days before the move), they had me come in specifically to get those pictures of his heart that they hadn’t been able to get.  The ultrasound technician was so sweet that she even gave me a hug when the ultrasound was over!  She was so nice during the whole ultrasound and we chatted about the move to Texas, I didn’t even think twice about that hug. I had an appointment with my doctor, immediately following the ultrasound, to find out that Baby Boy’s heart wasn’t growing as it should.  She explained to me that the left side of his heart was much smaller than the right and I would need to get a fetal echo done.  My doctor set me up with a specialist for the next day, which was great since I was moving in 3 days.  The specialist confirmed the report that Baby Boy’s heart was not growing properly.  He diagnosed Baby Boy with HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome).  This means that the left side of Baby Boy’s heart is too small and will most likely stop growing, while the right side of his heart and the rest of his body continue to develop.  He also discovered that Baby Boy is missing his aortic valve and his aortic arch is too small.

Being that I was about to move to Texas in 2 days made this news even harder to swallow!  The only things that I imagined to go wrong in my pregnancy was that my blood pressure might spike or I could get gestational diabetes, but I never imagined my little babe having a serious heart condition!  Having to realign my dreams of how and when we’ll be taking Baby Boy home from the hospital has been tough.  Shifting the focus from delivering a healthy baby that I can cradle in my arms, to the possibility of him being taken away immediately, has been hard to wrap my mind around.  The thought of getting his nursery set up and coming home from the hospital without him breaks my heart.  I already love Baby Boy so much and I know that love will increase more than I can imagine when he is born, so it kills me to know that he will have pain as soon as he enters this world. 

After the realization of that awful news, I was surrounded by family and friends.  I had people calling, texting, and visiting to make sure I was ok.  Without Michael around, it was no secret that I was lonely, but now I was also devastated.  I felt so emotionally, physically, and mentally drained from the week’s events that moving seemed to completely overwhelm me.  Friends stepped up to the plate and finished packing boxes for me. More friends and family came the next night to load the moving truck and clean my apartment for me.  Another couple drove me down with all of our stuff to Texas just to turn around and go home the next day!  I have felt so loved and taken care of in the past couple of days!

The big moving day has come and gone.  It’s now the first day that I am an official Texas resident.  While I love nothing more than being with my husband, it hit me loud and clear that I am not surrounded by people who know us like those in Omaha.  We went to a new church in the morning.  This is something we had talked about for months.  We had planned on getting connected right away and chatting about it seemed so easy!  While sitting in the church service, it took one worship song for me to melt down and know that I’m an outsider here.  I cried during that song feeling a sense of loneliness that I haven’t felt before. Our church family was a huge part of our lives and it was a sinking feeling to not have that sense of community here in Texas.   I’ve lived in the same city my entire life and now I’m starting over with more emotional baggage than I’ve ever felt before.  We happened to come on their “Celebration Sunday”, where they baptized 4 people.  Each person shared their testimony, but it wasn’t until the last person that I started to lose it again.  She shared 2 Corinthians 12:9, which says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  I know that God can do miracles and He can lift me up when I feel helpless.  That knowledge has been in my head for many years, but to feel the need for Christ’s power and grace in your life is overwhelming.  Truly trusting and believing is a scary thought when it seems as though your world is crashing down. 

We went to lunch and we got a little piece of “home”, as we met up with the youth group from our church in Omaha.  They had come down on the same day for their summer mission trip.  I hugged one of the leaders who is a dear friend of mine and started to cry.  She gave me several hugs and said that she had been praying and would continue to do so.  After that, we went to a connection event at our new church.  The connection event made me realize even more how much I needed a new community to surround us during this time of trials and emotional distress.  I asked Michael to speak with the pastor after the event and explain our situation and our desire to so badly be connected with other believers.  Through tears, we told our story about the move, the new job, and the baby.  He listened, comforted, and prayed for our situation.  He prayed for Baby Boy and for God to do a miracle on his heart.  He gave us a few outlets to get connected and said he’ll be in touch. 

They have a “recovery group” that meets every Thursday night.  It is for those struggling with personal sin, sin that has been put on them by others, or the sin of the fallen world in which we live.  He said it would be great for me to meet other women who are struggling with other issues, like me.  It is for those dealing with issues that are beyond our control, which are a direct result of our fallen world.  My plan is to go on Thursday night, although the thought of driving by myself scares me, not to mention putting myself out there to meet others by myself! 

As I finish this post, I look up to see our apartment stacked with boxes.  I’ll post pictures of our new place as soon as the boxes start to disappear.  I’m utterly exhausted—mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Thank you for reading my thoughts.  I’ll keep posting updates and I ask that you pray that I can get some much needed sleep!  My head is constantly going full speed ahead and I know a full night’s rest, without waking up, will do me much good!  I know this new journey will be different from what we had planned, but God had a plan for this move long before my head started planning!  I need to trust in God’s plan and not my own, for I know that He works things out for His glory.

-Carrie