Ever since we’ve
started this crazy journey, we’ve been told that life in the ICU is like a
roller coaster. For me, roller coasters
are not my favorite. They’re high in the
air, they go up and down and they feel like they’ll never end. I guess that’s a fair assessment of what life
is like these days…except we stay on the third floor. J
Michael and I
tried our best to prepare ourselves for the big day when our sweet little peanut
got whisked off for his huge surgery. It’s
safe to say that no amount of preparation could have gotten us ready for that
day. As I held him in my arms the
morning of, I wept over him, wondering if I would get to hold my breathing baby
again. It finally came down to me crying
out to the Lord and saying, “Alright God, you love him even more than me and
your hands are even more capable than our surgeon’s…watch out for my baby
today.” It was about 9 hours later when I
saw him again. He had a breathing tube down his throat; his chest was open with
his tiny heart beating underneath and he was so swollen from surgery, but I breathed
a sigh of relief because he made it! God brought him through! Ahh..I let down.
The next couple of
days following the surgery were great.
Josiah was doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing. The doctors gave him a B+ for post-op
behavior. We were having fun at the top
of that roller coaster!
But with all
roller coasters, they have to go back down and that’s exactly what
happened. Josiah got his breathing tube
out and things started to go haywire.
His left lung collapsed and I was talking to a team of doctors who I had
never met before and more importantly, they had never met Josiah. My mama bear came out and the need to protect
my baby felt overwhelming. Little things
about my baby, which made a huge difference, were the things that I knew and
had to speak up for. There were days when
I felt like it was me against the world.
I know that these doctors are capable and good at their jobs, but they
didn’t know my baby. I stayed at the
hospital for 4 days straight, day and night.
By the end of the 4th day, I looked at Michael and told him I
needed to go home. I need to get out of
this place that has been draining me in every way possible. Even though it was just a night’s sleep, it
made all the difference in the world. The next morning, sedation medication
caused our little peanut to stop breathing—3 times. Every two hours, his levels
would drop and he needed resuscitation. There
is nothing worse than watching your child be resuscitated. I’ve seen it far too many times in this ICU
experience and it’s something that I pray we’ll never see again. I pray that he thrives and his heart would
keep up with him.
By the end of that
week, his lung was inflated and working as it should. Let me tell you, it felt like the longest
week ever! It’s crazy to look back at
how the days have gone ever since Josiah was born. There are days that feel like an
eternity. There is constant monitoring
of his levels and fear of them dropping.
I don’t know if I should leave for the night since we’ve had such a
scary day. But it was all in a span of
14 hours. A looong 14 hours! Some of these days drag by and I wonder if we’ll
ever go home and live a normal life? All
the same, I look back and realize that 2 months has flown by! How did my baby get to be 2 months old
already? I feel like I’ve been cheated
out of 2 months of his life because we’ve been stuck here. I feel like we keep looking to getting him to
the next step so he’s more stable and we miss out on his current cuteness. Sometimes I think about how hard it was that
he was a preemie because we spent so much longer in the hospital and he wasn’t
even supposed to be here yet. He’s an 8 pound 2 month old and he should be an 8
pound 2 week old!
It’s hard to not
look ahead when you’re staring at your baby’s open chest and hoping that it
gets closed sooner than later. It’s also
hard not to look ahead when you’re not allowed to hold your baby. I spent 5 of his 9 weeks of life just looking
at him, holding his hand and giving him kisses.
I just waited for the day when I could pick him up and rock him. All I wanted was the day to arrive that I could
hold him! I was looking ahead.
Now that I can
snuggle my baby, I want time to stop.
Hold on…let me catch up! Let me savor every moment that I get to hold
him and feel his tiny 8 pound frame in my arms. Give me those 2 months back!
I feel like our
roller coaster ride is going back up, but this time, we’re getting up to the
platform where we exit this crazy ride.
That is my prayer! Let’s not have
one more dip before we leave the ride.
Josiah’s doing great and he’s making strides in the right
direction! Time to exit the
roller coaster and figure out what life is like with a new baby…!
